I'm sorry that it had to come to this, but I have to say it anyway.
Due to circumstances beyond my control, I literally cannot use the Internet for personal reasons anymore. This means I will have to leave my online life behind until further notice. Do not ask any questions as to what led me to make this decision - all you need to know is that it has no connection to any particular online experience, and that it is for the better of all parties involved.
Thank you everyone, and wish me godspeed.